In case you missed it, I was on at Mana'o last night. But I wasn't alone. Evan Roman was a guest. She brought her mother along, which was a good thing. I actually recorded her part on the show and I'll post it in a few days. Anyway, Evan is...I...uh...wow. Of course she's all the things I absolutely can't stand in a woman - young, beautiful, talented, friendly and of course, taken. Oh, and she doesn't live on Maui either. She's absolutely perfect for me.
The hour went well, especially considering it was my first time with a guest in the studio - the set up wasn't very conducive, but we made it work. Oh, did I mention that she doesn't smell too bad either? I'm really glad her mom was there, because it kept me from being the 13-year-old that I am. Boobies!
So, Evan's going to be on the podcast this Sunday. We can talk about things a bit more...uh...R rated. Boobies!
Today's supposed to be a day of running around, getting things done. Which I'm in the middle of. Time Warner showed up - I have my Road Runner back on. I went to the gym.
I went to the gym. Something I do all the time. What makes today so different? Glad you asked. Today I walked in and who is on a couple of treadmills? Yep. Evan and her mom. I immediately turn into Farmer Ted from Sixteen Candles.
We exchange small talk - which thanks to me is completely ridiculous as I did nothing but mumble and look at her knees. I hear a girl really likes it when you look her straight in the knees and say something like this. (you'll need your speakers on to hear this)
Now, Evan's on the one treadmill in the gym where if I do my warm-up where I usually do, I'd basically have my head up her ass the entire time. Which is pretty ironic because that was what was in my mind the entire time we were together last night. (I warned you)
So I moved to the grunthead part of the gym to do my faggy warm-up. The whole time I'm basically telling myself, "stop looking over there" "knock it off" "get the girl out of your head, dumbass". And we all know what that did...kept me thinking about her and looking over there. During my workout today I didn't finish a single set of upper body exercises, almost fell over 20 times during my leg routine (literally...I'm not exaggerating) and kind of tripped over a weight rack. All of a sudden, I've gone from Farmer Ted to Jack Tripper.
I stuck to my routine. I swear to god, I did. I didn't deviate from it in terms of what and where I did my stuff. But every time I started something new, there she was. It was driving me crazy. I'm doing hip extensions, which is something right out of that really bad Olivia Newton John video for Let's Get Physical. I'm laying on my back and basically thrusting my pelvis in the air over and over again. I should have been wearing leg warmers and a pink headband for crying out loud...and she's using the machine right across from me.
And when I'm doing the gayest part of my routine - yes, there's a gayer part than the hip extensions, it's called the prone cobra - I swear that's what it's called, she and mom pick the machine right next to me to do back extensions.
Then, I'm near the end of my routine. On the floor doing ab work. Minding my own business. Evan and Mom, just in my peripheral vision...Mom's showing her these ridiculous yoga moves.
AW, COME ON!!!
Great. Now I know she's flexible, too. This is so not cool. If I was doing anything with free weights I would have killed myself.
I'm on my last exercise...on an ab machine and the two of them are leaving. I hear them yell, "Bye!" And in the first sign of "maturity" I try to say goodbye and sound like one of the other 80-year-old dudes who also inhabit the gym I use. I think you could use the word "gurgle" to describe what came out of my mouth.
Why they didn't turn around and jump me right on that ab machine is a mystery we'll never solve.
If you haven't gone over to Evan's MySpace page, here's one of her pictures.
OK...one more time....
Boobies!
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