Barryfest

No good deed goes unpunished. I firmly believe that. Today would be an example. I was a volunteer at Barryfest. Barryfest is an annual concert (well, it's annual now - this was the first) that is a fundraiser for Mana'o Radio. It's also to commemorate the life of Barry Shannon who started the station with his wife Kathy (who I've mentioned before). Barry died last April.

So I volunteered for anything that didn't involve tools. Well, they were actually swamped with volunteers so I was never assigned a role ahead of time. So if I wanted to I could have just gotten in for free and sat around and dug the music. But no...I have to help. So I showed up early and asked "what can I do?" They were about to assign me to help out backstage with the musicians when this sudden crisis came up and I was just the guy to handle it. What was this potential catastrophe?

Cords.

Yep. Cords. Electrical cords to be exact. Some Einstein decided that the only way to run needed electricity around the park was to run the electrical cords across the only walkway that everyone has to take to get to the venue. Oh, and it's on a hill.
Sure, the cords were bright orange and yellow - and they had a cord cover thingy that, while was only half the size needed, was still bright yellow. Nope this wasn't enough. I was assigned to stand next to the cords and caution everyone to watch out for these stupid cords. I swear, I'm not making this up. I even took pictures. Be forewarned, these pictures are graphic:

People walk down here.

When they trip over the cords, they roll down to the bottom of this hill.


RUN!!! IT'S THE CORDS!!!

So what did I learn from this experience? Uh...well, that people are fucking assholes. I'm wearing a big old shirt with "Volunteer" on the front and back, and these douchbags think it's funny to mess with the cord guy. And I seriously wished that just one...I'm not asking for a lot...just one of these comedians who fake trip over the cords after I tell them to watch out for the stupid cords would have stumbled and taken a header down that hill. See. There is no god.

Oh, I haven't even gotten to the biggest insult. This one couple stop and are asking me some stupid question like if I knew where the bathrooms were (it was stupid because we were 30 feet from them) then they start having this conversation how I look like that guy from the TV...you know on Jim's show. Who? Jim, you know. Jim Belushi? Yeah, that show. He doesn't look like Jim Belushi. No, not him. (turning to me) You look like the brother on the Jim Belushi show, only not as heavy.



Thanks. Hey, while your leaving, watch out for those...uh...nevermind. Enjoy the show!

OK. So I kept Barryfest safe from those cords for 3 straight hours. Finally, I just walked away and joined friends to watch the show.

Stupid cords.

By the way...we live so large in Maui that our ATM's grow in the wild.

Well, THAT didn't last long, either....

Yeah...remember that post that used to be here about me moving to Portland?

Uh....nevermind.

Quick Hits

*People are funny dudes...I just Googled myself. I know...you'd think it's narcissistic, but I had a reason (which is connected to the part below). I found these old...uh...I guess you can call them essays about me...from someone from my past. Of course when you say "from my past" that implies that I had control over this person being in my life...well, I actually did, but the cost of excising him from my life would be getting rid of another friend (thanks, Ed). Anyway, it's interesting to see people's perspective on things.

According to one of these essays, this guy showed me how silly my Green Party ways were. That he regularly pointed out the inconsistencies in (my) viewpoint. Uh...OK...was I drunk and passed out when you did this? What a tranformative effect it had on me. It's amazing how wonderful and talented we are when we're on the internet. Did you know that I cured herpes?

*In a colossal letdown, Evan called a couple of hours before the taping of the podcast and said she couldn't make it. I would like to say that it really bugged me or at least that I was really disappointed, but I didn't have time. Because right after that, Jill e-mailed to say that she wasn't feeling well. Then something kept making this freaking noise while trying to record the damn show. I did it twice and I still couldn't get rid of it. Now that it's all over...

I'm really bummed Evan didn't come.

*Had a meeting yesterday with Summer Star. She should be calling me within a day or two. I'm pretty sure she's going to ask me to run her campaign...she has no staff. She's running for State Representative...as a Democrat...with the undeclared support of many dems already in the house. Her Dad owns a huge chunk of her district and she's on good terms with a buttload of buisness owners, families, etc. During the Republican National Convention in 2004 in NYC, Summer was one of those caught up in the illegal sweeps by the police and was arrested. People here organized a "Save Summer" campaign and protested in front of the Town Hall. I could actually win this one. Well, I'm not working for her...yet, but the meeting went well. She may have asked me on the spot, but I insisted she check me out. I sent her to gpomc.org and told her to google me (that's why I googled myself, to see what she would see).

*So I googled myself. I found a couple of disturbing things (other than the stupid thing at the beginning). One, there's a dude named David Atias in the Middle East who is doing life for murder. I hope Summer doesn't think that's me. Then there's the porn...No, I didn't do porn (as much as Keziah has said she'd like to see that). The link itself is a dead end, but it doesn't look good. There's all this political stuff then the very last thing is some xls file from adultwebmasterpro.com. But the link is a dead end. I'm pretty sure I know what it is...if you go to whitee.com and go to the sexuality link, there are links to porn sites...I signed up to be an affiliate of these sites years ago because I knew that it would drive people to the site. And it relatively worked. But now I'm on some database that shows up on google. Niiiiice.

Aw, Come On!!!

Warning: The following post will contain sentences of a graphic nature. If you do not wish to have images of sexual fantasies of the author in your head, you should skip this post. Also, the word "gay" may be used in a semi-negative fashion. Consult your doctor before reading this post.

In case you missed it, I was on at Mana'o last night. But I wasn't alone. Evan Roman was a guest. She brought her mother along, which was a good thing. I actually recorded her part on the show and I'll post it in a few days. Anyway, Evan is...I...uh...wow. Of course she's all the things I absolutely can't stand in a woman - young, beautiful, talented, friendly and of course, taken. Oh, and she doesn't live on Maui either. She's absolutely perfect for me.

The hour went well, especially considering it was my first time with a guest in the studio - the set up wasn't very conducive, but we made it work. Oh, did I mention that she doesn't smell too bad either? I'm really glad her mom was there, because it kept me from being the 13-year-old that I am. Boobies!

So, Evan's going to be on the podcast this Sunday. We can talk about things a bit more...uh...R rated. Boobies!

Today's supposed to be a day of running around, getting things done. Which I'm in the middle of. Time Warner showed up - I have my Road Runner back on. I went to the gym.

I went to the gym. Something I do all the time. What makes today so different? Glad you asked. Today I walked in and who is on a couple of treadmills? Yep. Evan and her mom. I immediately turn into Farmer Ted from Sixteen Candles.

Dave Scopin the Chicks

We exchange small talk - which thanks to me is completely ridiculous as I did nothing but mumble and look at her knees. I hear a girl really likes it when you look her straight in the knees and say something like this. (you'll need your speakers on to hear this)

Now, Evan's on the one treadmill in the gym where if I do my warm-up where I usually do, I'd basically have my head up her ass the entire time. Which is pretty ironic because that was what was in my mind the entire time we were together last night. (I warned you)

So I moved to the grunthead part of the gym to do my faggy warm-up. The whole time I'm basically telling myself, "stop looking over there" "knock it off" "get the girl out of your head, dumbass". And we all know what that did...kept me thinking about her and looking over there. During my workout today I didn't finish a single set of upper body exercises, almost fell over 20 times during my leg routine (literally...I'm not exaggerating) and kind of tripped over a weight rack. All of a sudden, I've gone from Farmer Ted to Jack Tripper.

I stuck to my routine. I swear to god, I did. I didn't deviate from it in terms of what and where I did my stuff. But every time I started something new, there she was. It was driving me crazy. I'm doing hip extensions, which is something right out of that really bad Olivia Newton John video for Let's Get Physical. I'm laying on my back and basically thrusting my pelvis in the air over and over again. I should have been wearing leg warmers and a pink headband for crying out loud...and she's using the machine right across from me.

Dave At The Gym

And when I'm doing the gayest part of my routine - yes, there's a gayer part than the hip extensions, it's called the prone cobra - I swear that's what it's called, she and mom pick the machine right next to me to do back extensions.

Then, I'm near the end of my routine. On the floor doing ab work. Minding my own business. Evan and Mom, just in my peripheral vision...Mom's showing her these ridiculous yoga moves.

AW, COME ON!!!

Great. Now I know she's flexible, too. This is so not cool. If I was doing anything with free weights I would have killed myself.

I'm on my last exercise...on an ab machine and the two of them are leaving. I hear them yell, "Bye!" And in the first sign of "maturity" I try to say goodbye and sound like one of the other 80-year-old dudes who also inhabit the gym I use. I think you could use the word "gurgle" to describe what came out of my mouth.

Why they didn't turn around and jump me right on that ab machine is a mystery we'll never solve.

If you haven't gone over to Evan's MySpace page, here's one of her pictures.



OK...one more time....

Boobies!

Upcoming Weekend

Some cool stuff coming up this weekend...

*I'm on Mana'o from 7pm - midnight tonight (Friday). But what's cool is I'm going to have a guest on with me starting at 8pm. Evan Roman will be on. I think she's brining her mother, too. I hope it's not some weird kinda Brittany thing...or maybe that would spice up the show.

*Evan's going to be on the podcast, too. We tape on Sunday so it'll be up that night. She can do her songs with the bad words in them there. I have to admit...I'm jealous. Of all the Whitee songs I've done, I haven't been able to work the word "puenene" into a song. I'm sure we'll be discussing that on Sunday.

*Am I back???? Last Saturday, Peggy, Renee & I went to Whale Day. It's Kihei's big thing. It's no Puerto Rican Festival, but what is? Instead of concrete, salsa and overweight Puerto Rican women wearing clothes they have no business wearing, it's grass, Hawaiian music and hippie chicks wearing clothes they have no business wearing. Anyway, I was planning on going anyway to do some Green Party petitioning (which would have been great), but I got talked into going with "the girls" as a kind of support thing for Renee as it was the day after the big break out (see previous post).

Anyway, I met some activist friends and Angie insisted on introducing me to...Summer Star. No, she's not a stripper. She is running for State Representative...and yes, I'm meeting her on Saturday for lunch to see if I'm going to work on her campaign. She's young, smart and has little chance of winning...just up my alley. But, we'll see. Details later.

*Oh...and a quick story from Thursday. So, Renee is out of the apartment she was sharing with her now-ex. When we went over last Friday and got her stuff, Kevin went nuts. He's been pretty much stalking her since. The problem is, when she was deciding what stuff in the apartment was just hers, one of our crew got a little goofy and talked Renee into taking a frozen turkey (it wasn't me, I swear). Renee didn't even want it, but we all got caught up in the excitement of taking the turkey. And of course, what is the one thing that dude goes apeshit over? The turkey. So as they're working out the final financial details of this split, he's insisting she give back the turkey. So we're coming up with different ways to fuck with him. Give him half, give him a different turkey that's too big to fit in the freezer, insist on visitation rights. I started looking for a Turkey farm on the island to buy a live one (Maui doesn't have one). Anyway, for good reason, Renee doesn't want to see this guy again because he's acting like a nutjob. So guess who gets to bring psycho-boy back his fucking turkey? Yep. And it wasn't even to the apartment, I had to bring this stupid thing to the restaurant where he works. It was like some kind of prisoner exchange. How the hell do I get into this stuff? (rhetorical)

Mission Impossible

Last Monday was a busy day. I had to tape the podcast (which is pretty good I might add. Listen to it here.), I had a meeting about stopping the development of Wailea 670, then dinner with Peggy, Renee & Gary. The meeting was supposed to be a strategy meeting - the County Council passed the first reading of the development approval. If it passes the second reading it's on, baby. So we have a few weeks to strategize how to get those sell-out MF'ers to change their minds.

While I'm taping the podcast, I got a call from one of the other activists - Lucienne. She tells me that we may be going out to see some of the property as well. I may want to wear pants. Uh...OK.

Finish the podcast, go to the Dude's house where we're supposed to be meeting. Not a lot of strategery going on. Seems that the whole meeting is going to be a Lava Hike. I'm not quite prepared for this. No backpack, big clunky water bottle, running shoes and camera batteries almost dead. I was a tad annoyed.

Turned out to be a pretty cool afternoon. Lucienne may as well be a freakin archaeologist. And I knew Collin was the botany dude, but he knew his stuff. These Hawaiian words are kicking my ass. The only one that stuck in my head was Puka (hole or cupboard). Other than that, they were just flying over my head. But I did take some pictures. I'll post a few here, but go to the underutilized Fokti page to see all 40-something.


Going up the lava trail.


The Nehe can only be found on Maui - and most of them in that one spot...for the whole world. I can't wait for golfers to "play through" them.


Hey! An Ancient Hawaiian artifact. I can't believe the developers' archeologists missed this.


Guess the developers missed this Ancient Hawaiian Fire Pit. Nothing to see here.


Another "how the hell did I end up here" moment.

Operation: Baltimore Colts

An interesting day. We had our usual Friday - half-day of school. Nothing major. Except, one of my co-workers, Renee, has been going through the slowest break-up in the history of relationships. She broke up with her boyfriend months ago, but because of their lease and how money sucks in Maui, they've been still living together...even sleeping in the same bed. It's like a break-up in instant replay slow motion. So as the time for the lease to expire has gotten closer, the dude's been tweaking more and more. Well, it got to be too much and today there was an intervention. Basically, Peggy, Dan & me told her that after school, we would come over, pack her shit and move her into Peggy's guest room until she can find a place to live.

Peggy really got into it and we decided that it should be a covert operation. That's when I brought up the Baltimore Colts leaving town in the middle of the night. Thus Operation: Baltimore Colts was born. Of course we all had to wear black...and the only black shirt I have is....yep...my "I (heart) female orgasms" shirt. It was a bit hit, as usual. There will be a picture to show you soon. I'm told it's being e-mailed to the director of the school.

Dude waits tables in the evening, so we went over there with a bunch of boxes (luckily, I still don't have much in terms of furniture and was able to "sacrifice" some of my boxes and packing peanuts) and split up Renee's stuff. I have a bunch in what you can call my living room, Peggy has some at her house, and Dan has a little as well. Then we all went out for dinner and laughed our asses off.

I'm sure you've had a bunch of annual meetings / retreats where you work, but for team building there's nothing better than an intervention, a covert operation and beer. I may have a role to play in the corporate world after all.

Some friends of Peggy's just sent her a big ass shipment of green chilles from New Mexico (!) and we're all invited over on Monday for Green Chille Stew. Dan's girlfriend - who is also one of my bosses - was a bit taken aback by my shirt tonight. I told her that if she comes on Monday (ooh, no pun intended) that I'll wear another special shirt just for her.

Hello, Johnny Vagina!