We Just Want to Pamp (clap) you...OW! OW! OW!

I woke up this morning feeling OK. Some lingering plague, but definitely better. No school today, but I did have work to do, so I figured I would run to school for a few hours then...I'm going to the gym. That's right, the gym. It's been 3 months and it's been driving me crazy. Yes, there are physical benefits to working out, but I find that it seriously affects my mood. Must be the roid rage.

So I got to school, and within 15 minutes I was coughing again. It's that freakin air conditioning. I packed everything up and left. Stopped home and...went to the gym. I had to sign more papers than I did for buying my car.

Now, I'm no snob...I'm not! But I do think it's a little funny to have the owners of a gym look like they should be running a diner. Don't get me wrong, they seem to be nice people, but I'm used to being able to go to the owner if I have a question about equipment or the best exercise or something like that. I mean, I'd feel comfortable asking these folks if they have any extra mayo for my BLT. One guy is big...like, has to use a cane- big. The other two ladies...they're just not people who seem to have any interest in physical fitness.

But I'm there to work out! I know what I'm doing! I don't need them!

So I fill out the reams of paperwork, leave blood and stool samples, take the standardized test and I'm ready to work out. First up....cardio. Hmmmm...some moderately current treadmills, old stairsteppers...ah, elliptical machines. Never seen this kind before. Oh, it's the same one I used to use back in Rochester at Flex only it's 15 years older. What the hell, cardio is cardio is cardio and a fractured hip. Holy crap, your legs aren't supposed to move like that! But 20 minutes, not bad for not working out and still being sick.

Let's hit the weights...still not feeling it for the machines, I'll go to the dumbells. Hit the chest, do the back, shoulders, etc. They don't seem to have any kind of adjustable cable pulley...uh...I thought that was kind of standard, but whatever, I adjusted (but I'm going to have to find a new rotator cuff exercise). Damn, forgot to do my legs.

I start looking around for a leg press machine. Can't seem to find...oh, there it is. Whoa...I'm not getting on THAT! It looks like it was donated by the Spanish Inquisition. OK...look around...what can we do...squats? Nah...I haven't done squats since high school and that was on a Universal machine. Hmmmm...well, not seeing anything else. OK, I can do some stupid squats. Throw a couple of 45's on the bar and let's have at it.

Hey, I'm doing squats! No problem. I can do this instead of some wimpy old leg press machine. OK, first set over. One more. Take a few seconds rest then we're ready to go. OK, let's get this last set over with. Bar on shoulders, hands on bar, lift and...

"Hey, hey, hey! What do you think you're doing?!!?!?"

Huh? Who was that?

"Yeah! What's your fucking problem, Man?"

It was my hamstrings. Say what you want, but when the hamstrings tell you you ain't doing any more squats, you ain't doing any more squats.

"Oh, sorry guys. I didn't know."

"Yeah, well now you know. Don't let me catch you doing stupid shit like that again. You got it?"

Yes. I'm sorry, hamstrings. Please don't hurt me too much.

I guess the leg press machine isn't all that bad after all. So I tried to do some ab work on the slickest rubber mats I've ever encountered, then called it a day. It was a good workout. I feel good (for now). I just have some adjusting to do.

Let's see if I can get out of bed tomorrow.